To My Future Husband,
Last week, I had an ultrasound. They found I have PCOS, and something called “kissing ovaries.” I’ll know more this Wednesday when I go back for my results and consultation. But based on everything I’ve read, I might also have endometriosis. It’s hard to explain what I felt when I read about it , the way my heart sank, the way fear wrapped around me. Not just for the pain, not just for the unknown… but for what this might mean for my future. For our future.
I already told my boyfriend about it , the one I love now. I was terrified of how he might react. But without hesitation, he said he’s willing to marry me. He even said he’d be happy to have a baby now, if that’s what it takes. I should’ve felt relieved… but instead, I cried. Because deep inside, I’m scared. What if this gets worse? What if I can’t conceive? What if our life becomes filled with doctor visits, failed pregnancy tests, and heartbreak after heartbreak?
He deserves so much more. He’s still a student, working hard to build his dreams, and I’m terrified of becoming a weight on his shoulders. I don’t want to be the reason he sacrifices the life he’s meant to live. I want a child. I want a family. I want all the things we dreamed of , but what if my body can’t give them? What if all I can offer is love that comes with pain? So I told him to find someone else. Someone without this kind of future hanging in the air. Someone who can give him children without uncertainty. I pushed him away, even when everything in me wanted to hold on.
Maybe you’re him , maybe you’re the man who didn’t walk away, who stayed when things got hard. Or maybe you’re someone I’ll meet after all this pain. Whoever you are, I want you to know: I’m not perfect. I carry fear and scars and questions with no clear answers. But I will love you with every piece of me ,even the broken ones. I will choose you, even when I feel unworthy. I will hope, even when it hurts. And if you choose me too… thank you. For seeing me. For staying. For believing that love is more than just what we can give , but also what we’re willing to carry together.
With all my heart,
Dea
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